Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic?

"The more I go to AA, the more I need it,” told me a friend at AA. He was in his late seventies and had been going to meetings for over thirty years. I found the idea odd—that the more you work on your recovery, the more you need it. Does recovery never end?

I only went to AA meetings for four months. It was enough to help me break the drinking cycle and start my sobriety journey. It was very helpful to teach me to think of myself as a person with a chronic disease. Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is indeed a disease, though many people don't realize it. Many believe it's a fault of character, a bad behavior, a weakness. But it is a disease. One that follows you for your entire life. 

I left AA because I didn't want to overcome alcoholism by becoming dependent on meetings, like my fellow AA companion. If I needed to go to meetings in order to keep from drinking, then it wasn't a real solution—just a temporary patch. I needed something deeper, more permanent.

I don't plan on talking about my recovery in this article and how I maintained my sobriety after leaving AA. Every path is different and each person has their own recovery trail. The idea here is to discuss the term “alcoholic” and how we relate to it. Part of my recovery was coming to terms with the disease and learning that I would have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

After all—once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic?

The stigma with Alcohol Use Disorder

Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is a medical condition that is characterized by the impossibility or difficulty in one controlling their alcohol consumption or use despite negative consequences on their career, health and social life. It is a disease, a psychiatric disorder that needs to be properly diagnosed and treated. Yes—it can be treated. No, it's not your fault. 

Part of the stigma surrounding alcoholism derives from the fact that society sees it as a condition that one brings upon oneself. This is not true. Of course, someone who never drinks will never become an alcoholic. But if they have the genetic profile or predisposition, all they need is that first drink. 

The “Alcoholic” label

I come from a family of alcoholics—alcoholic grandparents on both sides of the family and several alcoholic aunts and uncles. I have never heard of anyone treating themselves for AUD. As far as I know, I was (and still am) the first. But it took years for me to be able to accept myself as an alcoholic and to feel comfortable saying it in front of others. Within the family, it's still a taboo and most alcoholics prefer to keep it under wraps instead of facing it and getting proper treatment.

It's not easy to admit you may be an alcoholic. In fact, it's so hard that it takes up one whole step in AA's 12-step program. 

Admitting you are an alcoholic means accepting a label that may follow you around for the rest of your life. You run the risk of having it become your whole personality, the way people describe you. I had many colleagues in AA for whom the meetings were the most important things in their lives. They were pretty ok with that, but maybe that's not your goal. 

Accepting the label is part of the road to sobriety and healing. It takes time and effort. We spend our entire lives thinking of ourselves in terms of how others see us. Maybe we're athletes, or artists, or bakers, economists, doctors. We're the fun ones, or the smart ones, or maybe even the rich ones. We don't want to be known as “alcoholics". We don't want to be defined by our addiction. 

Part of the work is admitting you're an alcoholic. The other part is feeling at peace with your new label. Once you do, it will be liberating. 

Am I still an alcoholic?

“I've been sober for ten years. Am I still an alcoholic?” 

The short answer is yes. Unfortunately, addiction never leaves. Situations will always arise in which you will have to remind yourself that you are an alcoholic. Maybe someone will invite you out for beers. That is enough to trigger the recovering alcoholic in you to make a decision about how to deal with the situation. The more you accept the label, the better you get at dealing with these situations. 

I met a woman at aAA who kept going back to meetings because every New Year's Eve she allowed herself to drink to celebrate and this ended up taking her on a long drinking binge that could last months. She told us that every year she convinced herself that she could handle one night of partying. Every year she proved herself wrong. 

I had been sober for six years when an ex-boyfriend convinced me that I was no longer an alcoholic. We shared a bottle of wine one weekend. The following weekend, we had two bottles. The week after that, I bought a bottle and drank it by myself, alone at home. This quickly led me to a relapse that lasted four months. It took me finding a new therapist to get me back on track. The solution? I had to admit that I was still an alcoholic. 

If you find yourself asking yourself if you are still an alcoholic, you are. The very fact that you are questioning yourself shows that part of you wants an excuse to be “normal” again, to have just one drink, just one time. 

Alcoholism is a chronic disease. Like intolerances or allergies, the only way to stay healthy is to avoid the substances that cause you harm. The only way to do this is to continue seeing yourself as an alcoholic and making daily choices that maintain your sobriety. Sobriety gives you a false confidence that you are in complete control of your mind. But you can only be in control as long as you remain sober—addiction is literally the loss of control.

We wish it had been different. We wish we didn't have this disease. But we do and so we have to deal with it. Because once you're an alcoholic, you'll always be an alcoholic. 

That's absolutely OK.