How to Tell Friends You Quit Drinking
My friend's group's Christmas party was at my apartment. We were all standing around the dinner table, chatting, listening to music, eating cheese from the charcuterie board. My friend Ju turns to me and asks, “Why are you drinking Coke? Do you want a Heineken?”. It had been nearly three years since I had quit drinking, but she was still offering me alcohol.
“I don't drink, Ju,” I said.
“Why not?”
“I'm an alcoholic.”
“No, you're not.”
“Yes, I am.”
‘I'm an alcoholic’ has been a phrase I have been saying a lot for the past eleven years. It's never pleasant and it's never easy. I don't even have to say it. I could just say that I don't drink and leave it at that. But sharing that I'm an alcoholic helps me to curtly end a discussion that could become long.
It's interesting that alcohol is the only drug that you need to justify not using. I was an active alcoholic for thirteen years and nobody ever said a word. After I quit, in every event, bar or party, there's always someone to ask why I don't want a glass of wine or why am I drinking water. No one needs to justify not smoking, not using cocaine or marijuana. Alcohol is different. You're different if you don't use it. And you have to justify it.
How people may react to your sobriety
As alcoholics we often think more about drinking than most people. It's a bigger deal for us than for others. So the opposite may also be true. You may quit drinking and go out to your first events sober expecting people to question you about your sobriety only to find that no one is really paying attention.
In some situations, you'll have to answer some questions. In others, no one will care. You will never know when each situation will come up, so it's important to be prepared for either.
Regardless of the case, you should understand that you don't owe anyone a dramatic explanation. If you have close friends with whom you can share about your struggle, that's positive and can be helpful. But you don't have to share it with anyone. When you do decide to share, a simple “Drinking isn't good for me” or “I'm taking some time off of alcohol” should be enough. You can even prepare your answer beforehand to make it easier when it's time to share.
You may get some awkward questions, like:
"Just have one."
"You weren't that bad."
"You're no fun anymore."
"Are you pregnant?"
"Did something happen?"
That's ok. You can handle this. Think about it before going out. How do you want to tackle these questions? You don't have to answer them at all, but be prepared to hear them. Sobriety is already a very difficult and lonely path. You don't have to make it harder by trying to conform to other people's standards. Define what is comfortable for you. Decide how you want to communicate your sobriety and who you want to communicate it to. Take your time. Don't jump to conclusions.
How to talk about sobriety with your drinking friends
If you have friends who you believe may also be alcoholics, you have to decide how you want to deal with them. Will you continue the friendship? Will you continue going out with them? Will you tell them about your decision to become sober?
For me, I quickly lost all those friends. Bars and pubs quickly become too boring and too loud when you're not drinking. Those drinking buddies unfortunately were not interested in going out for coffee or going to the movies. They disappeared with time. I was OK with that.
You may have a different experience. Maybe you can still be friends with your drinking buddies. Maybe they will want to grab coffee with you and go to the cinema. They may even support you in your sobriety. Only you know who you can trust. You will find that some of those friends will disappear. Some will stay. Some will surprise you. Just remember to do what's best for you, not for anybody else.
You may discover that alcohol was the end-activity, not the friendship. It can be a hard realization, but also the beginning of new, healthy relationships.
Have a plan for events and gatherings
If you just went sober, it can be helpful to think beforehand about how you want to deal with your first events. Planning ahead and making decisions early on can help you to make the best of your event and not get derailed by awkward situations.
Here are some tips:
Bring your own non-alcoholic drink.
Have an exit strategy.
Drive yourself if possible.
Tell one supportive person beforehand.
Leave early if you need to.
My company had an offsite a few years ago. Every night there was a different party. I told the HR folks before the trip that I didn't drink. They bought candy and lollipops for the fun evenings, so I would have something to keep in my hands, while everyone else was holding their drinks. They also provided plenty of ice cream, soda and juice. I didn't feel left out at all.
For the first few years that I was sober, I still went to my local bar. I would stop at a convenience store, buy a pot of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and go to the bar. While my friends drank beer and smoked their cigarettes, I was eating chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. It was a good plan for me and lasted a few months. Later, I just took the ice cream home to eat with my son while watching movies. Your plans will change as time goes by. Your priorities will, too.
I still had to tell my friend Ju that I didn't drink several times over the years. It wasn't her fault that she kept asking. I was her first alcoholic friend. This was completely new to her. Once she learned, she became a big supporter and was usually the one thinking about what non-alcoholic beverages to bring for me.
You may find yourself wanting to please people in the beginning. That is never a good plan. People don't conform to our wishes. They will do as they please. It's a much better idea to prioritize yourself, your health, your relationships, and your career. You are changing your life and the lives of those around you. Expect some people to not like that. Others will love you even more for it.
