How to stay committed to sobriety

I wish I could say that I didn't drink a drop of alcohol since I decided to quit drinking. That wouldn't be true. Making the decision is easy. Sticking with it is the hard part. Life will throw numerous situations at you in which you will have to deal with your addiction. Alcohol is a legal drug widely accepted in society and being the "sober one” makes you stand out more than blend in. People notice.

There will always be triggers around you. You will go to weddings, parties, music festivals, concerts, pubs, bars. In all of these places, alcohol is the centerpiece. It is expected that you drink. Staying sober becomes a proactive task instead of just a passive one. There are times when being sober doesn't take any kind of effort. At other times, you have to use every last drop of willpower to not give in to the temptation. 

The first drop of alcohol I drank after quitting was six years later. An ex-boyfriend took me to a craft beer pub in São Paulo that was a big hit back in the day. He ordered the tasting menu and the waiter brought six small glasses, each with a different type of beer. My ex asked me to taste with him. I reminded him that I didn't drink. He said, “It's not really drinking, it's just a taste". The mind of an addict only needs an excuse to go back to its old ways. I heard an excuse to drink and I took it. I sipped all the six glasses. And felt terrible afterwards. 

Remember why you quit

One of the reasons why I didn't stick with Alcoholics Anonymous was because of the constant reminder of my shortcomings. The first few times I shared my lowest moments with the group were a relief. It felt good to feel understood. To be part of a community with other flawed people. But, after a while, remembering started to make me feel bad. I didn't want to be reminded every week of the terrible things I had done when an active alcoholic. So I left AA and never went back. 

Bringing up old memories weekly is a penance. Reminding yourself every once in a while that you are in fact an addict is a necessary action. You don't need to remember all the situations you put yourself through. But you should never forget what drinking did to you. I had to go back to my old ways before I really understood what being an alcoholic meant. 

Recovery gets harder when you forget why you stopped. So make sure you remember. Here are a few ideas of how do that:

• I love lists and have a list for everything in my life. Including a list of things that make me feel good. You may want to write a list of reasons why you quit drinking and use it as a reminder. You don't have to look at it all the time. But when you get a craving or when you are put in a situation in which you have to make a decision about whether or not to drink, you can take a peek at your list. Hopefully, it will be a reminder of why you made the choice you made.

• Another way you can remember what it used to be like when you were active is to take a look at old pictures and old journal entries. I look at photos from years ago in which I am visibly drunk and it's a cold and hard reminder of what I want to avoid. Don't dwell in these memories. Use them as an anchor. 

• Every time you feel the urge to drink, try to remember what the end result of the experience was like. You drank to experience relief and pleasure, but it ended with headaches, stomach pains, dizziness, and loss of memory. It's easy to forget the bad parts of drinking. 

Take it one day at a time

When I quit drinking, it was a daily task. Every day I thought about alcohol, every weekend I thought about drinking, every social event was a situation I had to prepare for. I just took it one day at a time. Narcotics Anonymous have a saying—"Just for today". Just for today I will not drink. That was my mantra for those first weeks. 

If I started thinking about all the upcoming events and what they would be like, I would probably have been overwhelmed. I probably would have given up. Taking a drink is easier than not taking a drink. So I tried to avoid planning too much ahead of time. 

If a wedding was coming up, I would strategically plan for the event. Who would I go with? What would I drink there? What would I say when people asked me why I wasn't drinking alcohol? What if I didn't feel good during the event? I planned all ahead. That way, I wouldn't get bombarded with triggers without knowing how to deal with them.

Every day that I didn't drink was a win. You start counting the days, then the weeks, then the months, then the years. One day you'll be counting decades. By that time, you'll probably have more experience as a sober person than as an active alcoholic. By then, you probably won't have to make the decision daily. But for now, just take it one day at a time. 

Build a life you don't want to escape

There were many things I couldn't do when I was drinking. I couldn't give my best at work, I wasn't a great mom, I didn't take care of myself, my finances were ruined. I hit rock bottom before I finally decided to quit.

Once my new life began, I felt like a different person. I rebuilt my career from scratch, I worked on mending broken relationships, I became a better mother to my son, I fixed my finances. I started doing things that I thought I'd never accomplish, like learning to eat better and exercising regularly. 

Feeling good has become the norm. I love waking up refreshed in the morning. I enjoy going to sleep early. I enjoy staying at home with my son. I rarely go to bars and clubs. I rarely stay up past midnight. I began to read more, to watch more movies. I even started my own business. 

Why would I give this all up?

Once you attain sobriety, you start building the life that you always wanted. It's a hard thing to give up. Especially if you have your lists, photos and journals to remind you what things were like before. Build a great life and protect it with your sobriety.

Identify your triggers

When you first quit drinking, the most important thing to do is to recognize your triggers and learn how to deal with them. By the time I quit drinking, everything was a trigger—anger, failures, victories, stress, anxiety, sadness. I didn't need an excuse to drink, I needed one not to. Dealing with anxiety and depression alongside my alcoholism also meant there were deep psychological processes going on that worsened my addiction. It was a self-fulfilling cycle—depression led to drinking which led to more depression. 

Everyone has their own specific triggers. For some people, it's the social environment. It's being out with friends at a pub. What will your strategy be? Perhaps you shouldn't go to clubs for a while. Maybe you can share about your addiction with a friend and have them be an accountability partner. If you trigger is loneliness, how can you deal with that? Join clubs, ask friends to come stay with you, go live with your family for a while. 

There are millions of triggers and millions of strategies. I can't list them all here. Only you know what triggers you and what motivates you. Allow yourself to prepare for them instead of reacting.

Create new routines

Every Friday night I went to Gringo's bar. Every. Single. Friday. Then, I quit drinking and suddenly I had no idea what to do on Friday nights. On those first days, I stayed home staring at the ceiling, trying to watch a movie or read, but unable to focus. My life was so tied up to my drinking that once I took alcohol out, there wasn't much left. 

Aside from rebuilding my career and relationships, I had to rebuild my routine. The first year I was sober, I became a gym rat. I went to the gym every day, it became my second home—much like Gringo's bar felt like home. Then, I focused on other things. I started learning to play the guitar, the piano. I bought a set of drums. I started to read more. I started to write. 

I traded bars for coffee shops. Clubs for Netflix. Beers for orange juice. I made new friends and let go of old ones. I started new hobbies. I came to love my Friday nights at home with my son. 

If you just ditch your addiction, you will feel a void in its place. You have to replace it with new habits and routines. 

Surround yourself with supportive people

Last year I went to a club with a friend to watch a rock cover band play. It was a band from our college days and all the people from that time were supposed to be there. I went thinking it would be a great experience to see those people again and reminisce about the old days. When I arrived, most people were already half drunk. It hit me that they were the same people as they were in college. All still drinking way too much, all still smoking, taking drugs. I stayed for an hour, said a couple of hellos and went home. 

I don't mind other people drinking, smoking or doing drugs. But it's not my thing and I prefer to be around people that inspire me and motivate me to be a better person. Nobody ever invites me to big parties anymore because they know I have changed. My friends don't offer me drinks or pressure me into going out on weeknights. The people around know who I used to be and know who I am nowadays. They respect me.

You don't have to go around telling everybody that you are a recovering alcoholic, but it might be a good idea to share it with people you trust. Real friends will be thrilled to help you in your sobriety. They will do everything they can to help you recover.

Find sober communities in which you feel comfortable. If you like meetings, make the best of them. But sober communities don't just mean AA meetings. You can join sports clubs, reading clubs, movie clubs, yoga clubs. You can go to night classes or take language courses. Go to a cooking class or learn how to dance salsa. These are all places where you can meet people and in which alcohol is not involved. 

Most importantly—you need to be around people who respect your sobriety.

Have a plan for cravings

Cravings will come. Do not fool yourself. For a long time I thought that I was rid of alcohol and that it no longer had a hold on me. Until one day an ex-boyfriend offered me wine. I had one glass. Then I wanted another. The next week, I was already craving wine again. It took me months to get back on track. That one glass of wine put my entire sobriety in jeopardy. I had been six years sober at the time. Suddenly, I was back at square one. 

I will tell you my main strategy for staying away from alcohol—I tell everybody that I'm an alcoholic. If you say you don't drink, it's an invitation for more questions. If you say you're an alcoholic, people usually don't want to insist or pry. It's pretty effective. Create your own strategy for when you're offered alcohol. What will you say? What will you do? Know beforehand. 

Then there are the moments in which you are alone and the cravings come. When you would have gone out and bought a six-pack or a bottle of wine to drink at home. How to deal when these urges appear? Again, you need a plan. Go for a walk, call a sponsor or a friend, treat yourself to something delicious, exercise. 

My grandma struggled with her weight for her entire life. Every time she wanted to eat a chocolate truffle (a Brazilian brigadeiro), she would tell herself: “I'll have one tomorrow". Then when tomorrow came, she would repeat it. And so it goes. 

Cravings will pass, then consequences of a relapse will linger for a long time. 

Be careful with overconfidence

When my ex-boyfriend offered me that glass of wine, I thought: Just one drink can't hurt. All addicts need is an excuse and a little push. You've been sober six years, one drink won't change anything, he said. I believed him and I took the drink. I figured after six years, nothing could go wrong. One drink turned into a four-months-long relapse that nearly ended the career I worked so carefully to rebuild. 

Just one drink. I've got this under control. One sip doesn't mean anything. We tell ourselves all sorts of stories to make us believe that we have the power to control our addiction. But addiction is—in effect—the total loss of control. That's why recovery is an ongoing practice, a daily habit. You don't permanently solve it the moment you quit drinking. That's just the first step. 

You can be sober for twenty years and one drink will take you back to step one. So be careful with overconfidence. Alcoholism is never cured, just treated. You may feel one hundred percent healed, but the addiction is still there, waiting for an opportunity to resurface. Don't let it.

Don't let one mistake become a full relapse

It's easy to slip up one time and then give up completely. You go on a diet and after two months you pig out on a large pizza and think everything is lost. It's not. You can always start over the next day. You drink a bottle of wine one night and the next day you will be reminded why you stopped drinking in the first place. 

When relapse happens, don't torment yourself. The disease is already hard enough to deal with. You don't need an extra layer of guilt on top of it. You relapsed. OK, now what? Take a step back. Why did you drink in the first place? What triggered you? How can you avoid it in the future? What plans do you need to redo? 

Do not fill yourself with shame and guilt. We all trip every once in a while. It's expected. I've had to quit smoking over six times. I'm pretty sure I'll relapse again one day. I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I learn to identify the triggers and stay away from them. 

You can always start again and get back on track. I quit drinking eleven years ago. But my last drink wasn't eleven years ago. It was two years ago. It was a slip. I drank and then got back on track. But I count from the day I made the decision to quit. So can you. 

Be patient with yourself

Alcohol Use Disorder is a serious disease. More people die from alcohol every year than from any other drug. You didn't choose this. You didn't bring this upon yourself. 

It's not your fault. It's your responsibility. 

Healing takes time. Your life will need to be rebuilt, you will need to create new habits, find new communities. It's the beginning of a new life. Building a new life takes years, not weeks. Your slip today or your craving tomorrow won't matter in the grand scheme of time. 

Life doesn't instantly become perfect after quitting. It becomes a life worth living.

One day at a time.