Confidence Is Built, Not Discovered
I remember the first time I had an interview with a C-level at a tech company. I was nervous, frightened. I stuttered when I talked, I lost my words, I apologized too much. It took me a long time to understand why some situations made me feel like that and others didn't.
The pattern became clear with time—when I felt as if the person's opinion mattered to me and the stakes were higher, I shrunk with fear. When I had no expectations, I thrived. This made me a terrible job candidate and a magnet for unsuitable romantic partners.
Deep down there was a belief in me that I wasn't good enough for the job or that I wasn't interesting enough for the person with whom I was flirting. There was a deeply-rooted insecurity that fueled all of my actions and decisions.
Until one day I heard Derek Sivers say on a podcast that you can choose to be confident even if you don't feel like it. You could say you can "fake it 'til you make it", but it's not exactly that. Some people are born confident or are raised and taught to feel confident. It doesn't mean that you can't also become confident even if you have deep insecurities. Being confident can be a proactive choice and its repeated action can turn it into your personality over time.
Why confidence disappears
The Dunning-Kruger Effect (worth the read!) shows that the more competent you are in any given domain, the less confident you feel about your abilities; whereas the less competent you are, the more you overestimate your abilities in that same field. Let me break it down for you: the smarter you are, the more insecure you are likely to feel about your own knowledge.
The more qualified you are for a job, the more aware you are of the necessary skills, requirements and experience for that job. This awareness causes you to second guess yourself and your experience. You start reading every requirement and comparing it to your own experience and, before you know it, you're doubting yourself.
When you meet someone who feels like the perfect fit for you, you suddenly start thinking about all of your flaws and that person suddenly seems out of reach, idealized. You become unworthy even though you intellectually know that you are both in the same league.
There is an innate fear of failure in all of us. A fear of judgement. We feel that if we expose ourselves publicly, people will discover our secret—that we are really impostors. Unworthy. Incompetent. There is no evidence to support this narrative, yet it becomes the core of our being.
This leads to negative self-talk and the birth of unfounded shame. We start comparing ourselves to others—rather, we start comparing our insides to other people's outsides. As we know, “comparison is the thief of joy”.
Another action that destroys confidence is the creation of unrealistic expectations. Moonshot goals can help us achieve difficult objectives, but if we are constantly setting the bar too high or moving it every time we get close, we will always feel like we aren't achieving anything.
We expect a lot from ourselves—and that puts enough of a burden on us to succeed—but we're not the only ones whose expectations we need to worry about. There are friends, partners, parents, co-workers, and bosses. Each with their own rulers and opinions. We twist and bend ourselves to fit into their expectations of us. Why do we put ourselves through this?
Remove the expectations and you remove the insecurities
There is a very cheap trick that can teach you to feel more confident—realize that nobody really expects anything from you. Nobody really cares what we do with our lives.
I always wanted to go on social media and share my thoughts. The idea that my friends and family would judge me kept me from doing this for years. I recently started posting videos everywhere—TikTok, Instagram, Youtube, Facebook. I decided to do it even though I was scared of what everyone else would think. The result… nobody gave a flying f*ck. I went from being a very private person to being a public figure overnight and not one friend or family member said anything. They couldn't be less interested in my new hobby. My fears were completely made up.
When I decided to be a social media influencer, I had no expectations of what would happen. I didn't expect to go viral or become famous. I didn't expect my life to change overnight. I didn't expect people to love me (or hate me). I just wanted to share my views on different subjects that interested me. By removing all expectations around what this could mean, I was able to finally step outside of my comfort zone and step in front of a camera.
When we create expectations towards anything, we are setting clear goals that we need to achieve and these are usually exaggerated. Many times even unrealistic. So when we start working toward those goals, it becomes clear that the path will be hard and we will probably fail. Then we start judging ourselves for not being good enough and insecurity comes.
Remove the expectations and you remove the insecurities.
If you don't have any big goals, then it doesn't matter what you really achieve. Any progress is progress. If you start playing the piano wanting to be as good as Chopin, you will feel like an idiot learning to play the C scale. If you start with the goal of learning one scale, then learning the C scale will be a total success.
Success is relative.
You can create confidence by understanding deep down that the only comparison you can make is with yourself. When you are interviewing for a job, you don't have to be better than the other candidates, you just have to be your best self. What would you be like if you believed in your competence? How would you speak? How would you feel? The interviewer doesn't have to know that you feel like an impostor. They are not inside your head. Whatever you say and however you say it is the only truth.
The same goes with dating and making friends—no one is comparing you with anyone else. They just want to know who you are. If someone genuinely wants to know the real you, why not show them all of you? Why not show them the best version of yourself and let them decide for themselves if you live up to the hype or not?
Confidence means potential, not competence
Someone who knows how smart they are is arrogant. Someone who knows how much potential they have is driven. Drive trumps arrogance every time, even when knowledge and experience are involved.
One more example with job hunting—if a candidate insists on how good they are, on how smart they are and how perfect they are for the role, the interviewer will see it as a performance, as smugness. If instead the candidate admits their weaknesses and their lack of experience but shows interest and potential, the interviewer will probably see them as humble.
Confidence is nothing but having the courage and the humility to accept your shortcomings and failures in front of others.
I once participated in a selection process for Coca-Cola. The position was Business Intelligence Manager. I had three competitors—a sales manager from Unilever, an economics professor at the university, and Coca-Cola’s Senior Logistics Manager. I was only a marketing analyst. I was sure I wouldn't get the job, so I decided to be as honest as possible and just do the best I could. I had no expectations I would get this job.
I got the job. When I asked the Director why he chose me, he said that I was the only one who refused to answer a question that was impossible to answer. The others all came up with made up answers that made no sense. They wanted to sound smart. I chose honesty. Even though I wasn't the most experienced, I showed potential.
Confidence means being honest with yourself about who you are and what you are capable of. It means believing that you have unlimited potential while understanding that you are not a snowflake.
Confidence requires accepting imperfection
I once worked for a large company managing their marketing department. I was given a budget for a booth at a convention and had to organize it. I had never managed an event before and made a grave mistake that pretty much made the company lose twenty thousand dollars. As soon as I realized the mistake, I called my boss and told him.
My boss took the fall for my mistake. He protected me because he said that another person in my situation would've most likely pointed the finger at someone else or just lied about what happened. He preferred working with someone who makes mistakes and learns from them rather than someone who is so afraid of making mistakes that they would accuse others in order to avoid blame.
We all make mistakes. It's human nature. It's how we learn. Each mistake teaches us something and moves us forward. We need to embrace the art of making mistakes instead of fearing them.
Insecurity comes from the fear of making mistakes. We're so afraid to mess up that it becomes part of who we are. And each mistake we make only adds to this belief.
The way to create confidence from scratch is embracing mistakes. Fail proactively. Do things you are bad at so you can practice the feeling of being wrong. You fail, you feel shitty, you move forward. Rinse and repeat until you get the desired result. “Failure is nothing but an unexpected result", said Kurt Vonnegut. When you start being indifferent to results, whether good or bad, you will feel more confident.
Confidence doesn't come from succeeding repeatedly. It comes from failing with elegance. And being proud of it.
Confidence grows through discomfort
Having to speak in front of a large audience is tough. It's scary and uncomfortable. Any mistake you make will be noticed. All eyes are on you. It's hard to feel confident in a situation where hundreds of people are observing you closely and watching your every move.
Accepting the discomfort is the only way to build confidence over time. Do you know why TED speakers sound so confident when they are presenting? Because the greatest speakers will memorize their speeches to the point that they could recite it in their sleep. They practice it so many times that it becomes second nature. By the time they get onstage, they can deliver their speech effortlessly, looking as if they are speaking naturally. They accept the discomfort and tackle it by being professionals.
In Tim Ferriss's book “The 4-hour Work Week", he suggests an exercise that feels horrifying—he asks you to go to a public place and randomly lie down on the floor for a few seconds. Then you get up and leave as if nothing happened. I did this at my local mall. Two people came up to me and asked if I was all right. I told them I was. Then I got up and walked away. Nothing terrible happened. The sky didn't fall. It was uncomfortable for twenty seconds and then it was over.
Every uncomfortable conversation, presentation, or new experience expands your comfort zone. The more you get used to feeling discomfort, the easier it feels. Confidence comes from moving forward despite the discomfort. If you avoid feeling uncomfortable, you will erode confidence over time.
Confidence is not an innate trait that some people are born with. It's a skill that can be honed and perfected. Even the most insecure person can become confident. They just have to choose to.
Confidence can be a proactive choice that you make. No one has to know that inside you are still insecure. Both things can be true at the same time. Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. No one has any reason to doubt you. You are free to be whoever you want to be.
The more you choose to be confident, the easier it becomes. Over time, it will become second nature. One day, you will realize that you were actually confident all along. You just learned to believe it.
