How Sobriety Changed My Parenting

"They were all drinking and smoking cigarettes,” Noah said. 

He was telling me about a birthday party he had gone to the night before. It was a sweet sixteen, so it was a big deal. I dropped him off at 9 pm and picked him up at 4 am. Most of his classmates were at least a bit tipsy when I picked him up. He was mostly scared. He doesn't like alcohol at all.

Noah doesn't remember that I drank. He knows I did because we talk about my sobriety and the general topic of drugs, smoking and alcohol. But he doesn't remember my drinking. This was one of the biggest gifts that sobriety has given me.

I was not a bad mother when I was using. But I wasn't the best mother that I could be. There were many shortcomings. I discuss my condition with Noah because it's important for him to know the battles that I have fought in my life. He needs to understand how alcohol and drugs can shift our lives in ways we can never really predict. You never know when one sip will take you into the path of alcoholism or when one smoke will turn you into a life-time smoker. It's better not to take that chance. 

I'm an alcoholic. I had two alcoholic grandparents and have several other family members with similar problems. It's in our DNA. There's only one way to ensure he never becomes an alcoholic—avoiding the first drink. 

As a mother and as an alcoholic in recovery, it's my responsibility to give him all the information he needs. And that starts with sharing my story.

What alcohol took from parenting

My family went to the beach almost every weekend. I rarely joined them. They would drop by to pick up Noah and I would stay home because I needed to sleep to cure my hangover. Every single weekend. For years, I missed the weekly family outing—not only missing out on time with my parents, but also missing out on time with my son. Alcohol kept me away.

When my addiction was at its prime, I made decisions based on my alcohol consumption. If I was going out, then I needed to find a babysitter. If I knew it was going to be a crazy night, I needed to have Noah sleep at his grandparents’. If I wasn't going out, then we could stay at home and I would wait until he went to sleep to pop open my first beer.

Alcoholism deprived me of the ability to make decisions that were in the best interest of my child. In many situations, he ended up coming second. Heck, most of the time I even came in second. Alcohol was first. It demanded all of my attention and time. I lived for my drinking moments. I planned my entire life around it. Because of this, my life became bland and my relationship with my son was impacted. 

Of course, he didn't know at the time what we were both missing out on. He didn't know that there was something going on. For him, our life was a normal life. He thought it was OK to spend the entire day at home on Sundays, watching TV, not seeing anybody or doing anything fun. Most of the time, I didn't have the energy for anything other than staying home.

Aside from that, alcohol impacted other areas of my life that directly impacted my son. One example was my memory. Back then, I had trouble remembering day-to-day things that were important. Anything from what I had to buy at the grocery store to something that I had to send to Noah's school. One time, it was Carnaval day at his school and he was the only kid without a costume because I had forgotten to send it. I still have the picture from that day—all of his classmates dressed up in flashy outfits and him with his school uniform. These are moments that we can't take back.

There's a beautiful picture of me and my son kissing when he was about 4 years old. I remember that day perfectly. We were having lunch at my grandmother's house. The whole family was there. It was a busy and loud day, with great food and lots of laughter. I was so hung over from the night before that I still felt a little drunk. I look at that picture and I know that that day I wasn't a good mom for Noah. That day I was more an alcoholic than a mom.

What sobriety gave me

The night Noah went to his friend's sweet sixteen party, I went home and watched a movie. At 11 pm, I went to sleep. I woke up at 4 am with his call. The party was over. I quickly got up, changed and went to pick him up. On the way home, he was very chatty and wanted to tell me all the gossip from the party. Though I was sleepy, I heard him and prodded him for the deets. We got home and went directly to sleep. At 9 am, I was up again, ready to make breakfast and start my day. Noah woke up way past noon. 

Ten years ago, that night would've gone a much different way. There was a real danger that I wouldn't have been able to wake up to pick him up. Or that I would end up drinking and driving. Or maybe he wouldn't even go to the party because I wanted to do my own partying. When you're an alcoholic, you become self-centered and selfish. It's all about you, you, you. Everyone else comes in second. 

As a sober mom, I can not only be there for my kid, I'm 100% invested in him. I'm aware of everything that's going on in his life. I participate, I engage. I'm able to offer support, love, care. I can handle his tantrums, his breakdowns and his depressive episodes. I'm fully present and attentive. And the best part is—he knows he can count on me.

I can wake up early on the weekends and make breakfast for the two of us. I'm now the one proposing that the family go to the beach. I'm planning family trips, weekend getaways and daily fun activities. I'm cooking actual healthy food instead of feeding my son only sandwiches and smoothies like I used to. Without alcohol, I can be a real mom. I can make proactive choices instead of getting by on “let's see what happens". 

The surprising part

Sobriety didn't make me the perfect mother. Far from it. 

Last week, I forgot Noah was having lunch at school and didn't prepare food the night before. He had to make do with a bit of rice and chicken that was in the fridge. It happens. Pobody's Nerfect. We all run into faults sometimes. 

What sobriety did do was allow me to have a clear understanding of who I am and what I'm able to accomplish. It allowed me full access to my mental capacity. I can plan, automate, build, create, control and manage. I know that every day I'm giving my son my very best. There are days that he complains. There are days when I complain. It's okay. 

“I'll never let you drink again,” Noah told me recently. “That's not a problem,” I said. I don't plan on ever drinking again. I already received a great gift in my sobriety journey—he doesn't have any memory of my drinking. Now, I can give back to him by being the best role model I can be. Who knows, maybe he'll follow in my footsteps. I am now able to say that I would be proud of that.