How to protect yourself, set boundaries, and support someone you love without taking responsibility for their drinking.
Disclaimer: I am a person in recovery sharing personal experiences, not a licensed medical professional. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous. Please consult a doctor or healthcare provider for medical advice.
Introduction
I was an active alcoholic for thirteen years of my life. During those thirteen years I also dealt with depression, anxiety and ADHD. I was a partner, a mother, a coworker, a daughter, a sister, a friend. A lot of people had to deal with me when I was at my worst. Some stayed, some left.
Later on, I had a partner who also turned out to be an alcoholic, though he kept it hidden from me for many months.
What I’m trying to say is—when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic, I have a Ph.D on the subject.
The relationship between the alcoholic and the person who has to deal with him or her can vary enormously. You might be reading this because you are concerned about your son. Or maybe it’s your best friend. Or maybe even your grandmother. I can’t promise I’ll be able to cover all possibilities and scenarios in this one article, but I’ll try to paint a picture and give advice that can be useful in most cases.
What it’s like to live with an alcoholic
I wasn’t drunk every day. That’s not the type of alcoholic I was. But when I drank, there was no stopping me. My grandpa—he was the type who drank and became drunk every day. My grandmother drank only on Saturdays, but it would always ruin the family lunch. My ex-boyfriend drank when he was angry, sad or anxious, and he preferred to be alone when drinking. In one extreme example, a woman was an alcoholic for over 20 years and her husband never knew. She would wait until he fell asleep and would sneak in the kitchen to take a few sips of vodka.
Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) doesn’t fit a stereotype. That’s what makes it so hard to diagnose. It’s why so many people don’t seek treatment—sometimes they don’t even realize they need it. It’s why a husband can live with his wife an entire lifetime without realizing she had AUD.
When I was in my rougher years, I would put my son to sleep as soon as possible so I could open my first beer. Living with an alcoholic means that their priorities have changed. Kids, husband, work, errands… They might even get around to all they have to do, but the only thing that is ever really on their mind is when they will have the next drink.
How does this show up on a day-to-day basis? Here are a few signs you may notice:
- You can no longer rely on that person
- They become unpredictable
- They break promise after promise
- Their mood changes severely and all the time (they get especially cranky if they are craving a drink and can’t get one)
- They start hiding things from you, which leads to outright lying and secrecy
- They promise to cut down and never follow through
- They become a different person when drinking
- They create financial or relationship problems
- Is functional at work but very different at home
The way the alcoholic behaves at home can depend on many factors, such as the severity of their condition, how often they become intoxicated, and how functional they are in various areas of their lives.
And what can this look like for you? Well, here are a few things that I remember from my own experience:
- You become constantly fearful that something may happen to them when they are out drinking
- You can no longer rely that they will participate in activities and events that you prepare
- You may realize that they no longer take care of themselves as they used to—stop shaving, rarely change clothes, make a mess of their desks
- If they are your parents, you may feel like you aren’t being parented anymore. You’ll feel like you’ve been cast aside
- It becomes hard to plan and attend big events because you never know how they will behave
- You are constantly afraid that they will do or say something inappropriate when intoxicated
- You may lie in bed at night and smell the alcohol coming from the other side of the bed
- You may be scared that they might become aggressive and hurt you or others
- Every time you bring up the subject of drinking they avoid it or get mad
- You feel powerless and useless because nothing you do seems to help
- You feel alone, like you don’t matter
- You wonder if any of this is your fault
When we are watching someone that we love hurting themselves this way, we can sometimes wonder if it was our fault. Let me be very clear—it is NOT your fault. I authorize you to feel sad, angry, lonely and impotent. I do not authorize you to feel guilt.
I saw two partners that I love drown themselves in alcohol and depression. I saw it every day. I saw them destroying their careers, their friendships, our relationships. I saw them denying every help they were offered. I saw them lose the will to live, to be happy. Just like I once had.
Living with an alcoholic takes a toll on our souls. You must find a way to take care of yourself and those who depend on you so that you don’t get dragged down with them.
Things we do because we love them
It is a very human trait to try to solve other people’s problems. This is especially true for our kids and our partners. We see a problem—we need to fix it. The idea that we can’t interfere doesn’t even make sense. When it comes to alcoholism, however, it is rarely the case that you will be the one to solve your loved one’s problem.
When you love someone, your primary instinct is to protect them, to save them from harm. You may have found yourself making excuses for the person’s drinking, apologizing on their behalf, explaining their behavior to the kids or to your friends. These are all noble actions, but ultimately the power of change is not in your hands.
The person you love is still there
Despite the drinking, the irresponsibilities, the lying, the secrecy… they are still the same person you loved before. Somewhere—beneath the intoxicated surface—their old selves are waiting to come back. This doesn’t mean that their actions don’t have consequences.
If you truly love this person, you need to make difficult decisions. Yes, they are still a caring father, but maybe he shouldn’t be near the kids when he’s drunk. Yes, she’s still your best friend, but at this point maybe you shouldn’t encourage to go out partying. Yes, she’s your grandmother, but that doesn’t mean you have to listen to her say awful things to you when she’s under the influence.
The person is there, but they are going through something that is outside of your control. To some extent, it’s even outside of their control. AUD is a medical condition, thoroughly described in the DSM-V. Ultimately, AUD means a loss of control of one’s drinking despite negative consequences. Your loved one literally can’t stop themselves from drinking. This is quite a paradox since ultimately they are the only ones who can do something about it.
This person needs professional medical attention. They need treatment. You can suggest and support, but you can’t force them to do anything.
It’s hard to see the person you love in such a terrible state. The love can start to fade after some time. I would advise to look at them with kindness and compassion, despite the hardship.
I saw my partner of three years waste away from alcoholism and depression. I did everything I possibly could to support them, but nothing worked. One day, I decided it was time to move on. To the world, it looked as if I was abandoning him. To me—after one year as a caretaker and financial provider—I was finally taking care of myself. Keep that in mind.
Stop trying to control their drinking and behavior
Alcoholism doesn’t show up at once. It creeps up on you. It develops slowly. Little hints here and there that go unnoticed for a long time. Until the day comes when you can’t ignore it. It starts with you picking up the empty beer bottle from the table and throwing it in the trash. After a few weeks, there are several bottles. Later, it starts happening more often. Before you even realize it, you will pick up the trash bag and you will hear the clinking of bottles in there. Where did they all come from?, you’ll think.
When I was around 19, my drinking was getting worse. I used to only drink on weekends, but then started craving alcohol during the week. I still lived with my parents back then, mind you. The cravings were so bad that I bought a bottle of cachaça (a Brazilian spirit of around 50% alcohol) and hid it in my closet. Every day after lunch I’d go to my room and have a shot. This lasted weeks, until my parents found out. This should’ve been a sign to them that something was wrong with me. But instead of taking me to the doctor, they just grounded me for a week.
The truth is, you can’t control your loved one’s drinking, but you definitely shouldn’t enable or ignore them. It starts with picking up their bottles, but before you know it you’ll be:
- Making excuses on their behalf
- Lending them money to buy more alcohol
- Covering for them
- Lying for them
- Trying to prevent them from getting into trouble
If you are a parent, this may seem logical, but it’s not. People with AUD need boundaries, discipline and medical treatment.
Then there’s the other side of the coin—when you try to treat them yourself. You may find yourself doing one of the following:
- Counting their drinks
- Hiding bottles
- Withholding money
- Pouring alcohol down the drain
- Searching for bottles
- Monitoring bank accounts
- Trying to prevent them from drinking
There is a medication called disulfiram which is used to treat AUD. If the person taking disulfiram ingests alcohol, they will develop severe reactions, such as headaches, vomiting, palpitation, stomach aches, diarrhea, etc. Well, some exasperated partners of alcoholics have gone to the extreme of pouring disulfiram into their partner’s drinks to try to get them to stop. Disclaimer: This can be extremely dangerous. Do not attempt to medicate a person with AUD on your own. Only a medical physician can do that. This is the type of situation that can end up happening when you try to take matters into your own hands.
Their drinking and behavior are not your responsibility.
Understanding Without Excusing
So, what can you do? You are not their savior, nor their doctor, nor their therapist. You are a concerned party who sees what is happening to the person with AUD and may even be affected by their condition. You feel like you should do something. You have to do something.
Here’s what you can do in the beginning—educate yourself on AUD and have compassion. That’s it.
Learning about AUD
Many people do not understand that alcoholism is a disease. Many consider it a character flaw, a lack of self-control or just a bad habit. This generates an enormous taboo when it comes into discussion. Family members may be so ashamed by someone’s drinking that they prefer to keep it quiet rather than helping. It’s more common than you’d believe.
If you are very close to the person with AUD, then you need to learn what it is, where it comes from, how it develops, what are the signs, what are the treatments and—most importantly—what you can do.
Educating yourself will equip you with the necessary tools to make smart—and sometimes very difficult—decisions. It will also help you to have empathy and compassion.
Empathy and compassion
Having a mental illness comes with extra topping—stigma. Most people don’t understand mental illnesses and tend to believe that people choose to do what they want. An example of this in the world of AUD is Alcoholics Anonymous—they see alcoholism as a shortcoming, a character flaw that should be corrected through the twelve steps. I highly disagree.
Alcoholism can be very lonely. The person with AUD is probably trying to numb themselves from certain emotions, hiding from problems, ashamed of what’s happening to them. They may already know that something is wrong, but they can’t find the willpower to make a change. We can all empathize with that.
There’s no blood test to diagnose AUD, so for many people it doesn’t exist. So many people with AUD believe that something is wrong with them. Aside from the alcoholism and potential underlying mental conditions, you can add the shame as a last ingredient. It’s not easy to deal with all of this.
Knowing all of this—along with your brand-new knowledge about AUD—you can offer your compassion, your understanding. Eventually, you might even be able to offer them support.
Boundaries are not punishment
You’ve learned about Alcohol Use Disorder and you’ve shown compassion toward your loved one. That’s a great start. The next lesson is extremely important—compassion also means boundaries. This is something that a lot of people struggle with, but it is the bedrock of the relationship between you and your loved one. Boundaries bring respect and without these two things, the relationship will eventually fall apart.
Boundaries are especially important when you live with the person with AUD, whether they are a parent, a child or a partner. It’s hard to set rigid rules about what you are willing to accept and what you won’t tolerate. I understand that it will take time and practice. So start now.
One very important thing about boundaries is that they are not for the person with AUD; they are for you. You need to protect yourself (and potentially others in the family) from the consequences of this person’s behaviour. The only way to do that is to set boundaries and act on them.
Here’s what healthy boundaries actually look like:
- “I won’t stay in the house with you when you’re intoxicated.”
- “I won’t get into a car with you if you’ve been drinking.”
- “I won’t give you money if I know it will be used for alcohol.”
- “I won’t lie to your employer.”
- “I won’t argue with you while you’re drunk.”
- “If you become threatening, I will call for help.”
When children are involved, you must be ready to take action if boundaries are crossed. You should consider creating plans for different situations and what is your best course of action. Maybe you go with the kids to their grandparents’ house. Maybe you decline to engage with them. Maybe you move out. Maybe you end the relationship once and for all.
In your life, you come first. You need to be healthy and safe, so be ready to make tough decisions.
If the person with AUD is your child—and depending on their age—I can understand and even encourage you to take more action. With teenagers, you must take control of the situation, but I’ll get into this in another article. If your kid is grown, you can be more involved, but have safeguards in place so that you don’t end up destroying your own life.
You can always offer to help
It is not the alcoholic’s fault that they have AUD; but it’s their responsibility to deal with it. This means that all you can do is offer to support them in seeking treatment. Beyond that, there’s not much else you can do.
My parents did not know how to deal with me as an alcoholic, so they did the only thing that they could—they provided me with financial support so I could receive the treatment I needed. If that’s all you can do, that’s OK. Any help is welcome.
When the person is unaware of the consequences of their drinking, you may want to organize an intervention. Never do this alone. Set up a group of people you trust and organize the discussion. Interventions don’t always end well, but sometimes they can flip the switch and get the person started on the path to recovery.
You may offer to set up an appointment with a doctor, to find a therapist for them, to find a local support group meeting. You can even offer to pay for their treatment—if it’s something you can afford.
If the person rejects your offer to help, however, there’s nothing you can do. You cannot hold their hand and force them to go to an appointment. You can’t drag them to a meeting. You can only suggest, advise and make yourself available.
Here’s what you can’t do—you can’t become their only option for treatment. Do not make yourself their therapist, their sponsor, their coach. This is not your job and it’s not how you help them. You can love them, but you can’t become responsible for their recovery.
Once all options of help and support have been offered, then we rely back on our boundaries. What are you willing to accept and what won’t you tolerate?
Remember that an alcoholic in the family changes the entire family dynamic. Suddenly everyone is walking on eggshells. You never know when they will be sober or intoxicated. Suddenly what used to be regular arguments become a shouting match. Children may become scared of an intoxicated parent. You may become scared of your intoxicated partner.
So don’t take this lightly. Set your boundaries and enforce them when necessary. Otherwise your life will become this thin ice that everyone is always afraid to step on.
When I became sober and dated an alcoholic
It took me several months to realize that my ex-boyfriend was an alcoholic. He did a great job hiding it—he hid it proactively, knowing that I was sober. As we grew closer, however, the signs started to become hard to ignore.
We would go out on a Tuesday night for a quick dinner and that would quickly turn into an all-nighter. I had to drive him home drunk more often than I would’ve liked. He started to go out alone so he could drink without my eyes on him. He also started smoking a pack of cigarettes a day and taking drugs.
His house became inhabitable for my son and I. We used to spend weekends over there, but when the apartment started to constantly smell like cigarettes and when it started to look like a garbage dump—I stopped going. It wasn’t fair to have my son deal with yet another alcoholic.
I tried talking to him about his addiction several times. He always denied that he had a problem. “It’s under control,” he would say. When it was was finally obviously NOT under control, I urged him to go to the doctor. To my surprise, he set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. When he went to the appointment, he did not tell the psychiatrist how much he drank or that he was using drugs. “I didn’t want him to judge me,” he said. So the doctor diagnosed him with light anxiety and sleep deprivation. He prescribed him Ambien, which he quickly became addicted to.
A few months later, I asked him to accompany me to an AA meeting. I hadn’t been at an AA meeting in almost 7 years, but this was an emergency. We went to a meeting. He sat through the entire thing, and didn’t say a word. When we left, he said, “Not my thing”.
Eventually, I had to leave. His depression was making me depressed. His anxiety was making me anxious. His smoking made me want to smoke again. His drinking made me have my first and only relapse. I set my boundaries. I gave him all the time he needed. But, when all options had been exhausted, I left.
At that point in my life, it was more important to protect my sobriety and my family, then to deal with an unhealthy relationship.
Love isn’t always enough
My mom once told me that “love doesn’t sustain a relationship”. As an innocent 17-year-old, I told her she was wrong and stormed out of the room. As a well-lived 40-year-old, I can safely say that she was right.
Love is a beautiful thing. We can love someone despite their addiction. That doesn’t mean that we have to stay with them. We don’t have to witness their self-destruction. To love means to have compassion, to offer support, to be with them in their recovery. It also means to know when to walk out.
We can love somebody and not be with them.
Hopefully your loved one finds their path to recovery.
Whatever happens, I hope you take care of yourself and those around you. The direction of your life doesn’t have to be determined by someone else’s sails.
