How to Admit You Have a Drinking Problem
Acceptance doesn't happen overnight. It begins with one honest moment and the courage to stop making excuses.
Woman holding a sign that reads “Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself"
I remember the exact moment when I finally realized that I was an alcoholic. I was suffering from a major depressive episode at the time. One night, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, a beer bottle sitting on the nightstand. I was a little drunk and feeling miserable. I looked at the bottle and thought, this isn't normal. Am I an alcoholic?
The next day, I set up an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. I entered his office, sat on the chair in front of him and said “I think I have a drinking problem". That was the beginning of my journey toward recovery.
Why admitting it is so difficult
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable", says the first step in Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12-step program.
There's a reason why the first step is admitting that you have a problem. The truth is that you will never commit to recovery if you don't accept that you are an alcoholic. The same goes for any other mental health issue—depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc. Accepting is the hardest part of the journey, and it's the most important one.
There is a stigma surrounding the word “alcoholic". We have certain ideas of what it means to be an alcoholic based on what we see on popular media, around us, within our family or friends. We believe that to be an alcoholic means certain things: that your life is crumbling around you, that you drink all the time, that you are always drunk, that you've hit rock bottom and lost everything. But alcoholism doesn't always look like that.
Alcoholism starts small and creeps up on you over time. What used to be an “every once in a while” gradually becomes a habit. The habit grows into a compulsion. The compulsion then becomes pathological. Sometimes we only realize what's happening when we're at the compulsion stage and we realize that we can no longer control ourselves. Even then, admitting that you have a problem is tough.
We fear what it means to accept our drinking problem—that we are not OK and that we need help. As AA says: we have powerlessness over alcohol. Admitting this powerlessness means accepting that we have a weakness, a flaw, a failure. We are broken.
The truth is, we have a disease. Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is nothing more than a psychiatric disorder that makes us lose control over our drinking. If there was more education around AUD, it wouldn't be such a taboo. But because it is, we tend to think of it more as a moral shortcoming than the medical condition that it is.
Another reason why admitting is so hard is that the moment we accept that we have a problem, it means that we need to work on solving it. Admitting that we have this condition also means that we admit that we need treatment. Opening up to treating alcoholism is almost as hard as accepting it.
Since our personality and lifestyle are so entangled with our drinking habits, we believe that life won't ever be fun again. That becoming sober means becoming boring. We cannot see what the “me” without alcohol looks like and that is scary. Our entire sense of self is put to the test. But the truth is, the "me” that we are with alcohol is not our real “me". It's a new construct of our personality based on this compulsion that we have developed. We need to go back to who we were before alcohol and evolve from there.
Admitting means we have to change. We have to start a new life. Starting over is the beginning of the journey to becoming ourselves again.
The many forms of denial
Denial isn't always obvious. It comes on a spectrum. The mildest form of denial is the complete ignorance of one's situation. For most of the thirteen years that I drank I didn't have the faintest clue that I might be an alcoholic. I thought I was just a party girl who liked to party a bit too much. A normal drinker who liked to have beers on weekdays, alone in her apartment.
Alcoholism crept up on me like it does on most people. I did not realize I had a problem for a long time because I didn't want to deal with the fact that I had to take action. The mere thought of never drinking again made me nervous. I could barely go a day without drinking, let alone quit forever.
I told myself all types of stories to convince myself that I was OK:
"I'm not as bad as other people."
"I still have a job."
"I can stop whenever I want."
"Everyone drinks this much."
"I just need to control it better."
Anything to not have to admit that I had a problem.
Denial isn't always proactive; it can also be reactive. I didn't even think about it. I completely ignored the fact that drinking was bringing me down. I created excuses for myself and lived in a fairytale world for years, believing that my behavior was normal… until I could no longer ignore it.
Even when I finally realized that I was an alcoholic, a second type of denial set in. I didn't want to stop. I knew I had to, but I didn't want to. This was an active denial. I knew there was a problem and I actively decided to ignore it. I will deal with this later, I would tell myself. I'll quit next month. It's not that serious.
Once you realize the predicament you are in, you have to make a choice—you can either do something about it or pretend that everything is A-OK. I eventually made the decision to seek treatment. I couldn't lie to myself any longer. If I didn't do something, I was risking real danger for myself.
I let go of the denial. I accepted my fate. It felt terrible, but I also felt relief.
When you start asking yourself the question
Have you ever Googled “Am I an alcoholic”? How about “How to admit you have a drinking problem"? Maybe that's how you got to this article.
Nobody wakes up one day certain that they have a problem. Like I said, it creeps up on you. You start noticing little things. You realize that you've been having a beer every day. You drink heavily every weekend without fail. You start to think about alcohol during the day. You start avoiding non-alcohol-related activities. You start to notice that your relationship with alcohol is different from your peers'.
The signs start to become more and more obvious over time. You find yourself:
Thinking about alcohol constantly.
Breaking promises to yourself.
Planning your day around drinking.
Hiding how much you drink.
Drinking despite consequences.
At some point the thought comes up: do I have a problem? It's a scary thought. It's scary because we were never taught about mental illnesses, what they are, how to deal with them. Alcoholism especially is still viewed as a character flaw more than a medical condition by many people, adding to the stigma of the disease.
We're embarrassed to admit that we are weak in the presence of alcohol. Yet over time, the question starts to haunt us. We Google it. Maybe we ask a friend. We start worrying about our drinking habits. We start feeling guilty after drinking. We start setting rules for ourselves, believing that if we put up guardrails, then everything will be OK.
But it's not OK. Not really. And you know it because the question starts popping up all the time—”am I an alcoholic"?
At some point, you will have to face reality and give yourself an answer.
Does calling yourself an alcoholic even matter?
If you ask anyone on Alcoholics Anonymous, they will tell you that you are an alcoholic. And once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. However, in modern medicine, Alcohol Use Disorder is viewed as a spectrum, going from mild to severe. People can move from one stage to another and back again. There have been occasions when someone previously severely addicted to alcohol has been able to go back to drinking casually. However, there are risks and this is not for everyone.
We don't need to label ourselves. The reason that AA likes to label people like us as “alcoholics” is because they believe that the addiction never goes away and the alcoholic must always be on guard. I believe that we have to do what works for us.
For me, I consider myself an alcoholic. I have no shame in admitting it to other people and I talk about my condition regularly with my friends and even strangers. I do this because I believe that talking about it helps to remove part of the stigma. You never know when someone is also struggling with alcohol and in need of a helping hand.
I'm an alcoholic even though I no longer struggle with alcohol on a regular basis. But it's important for me to remember what I have because eventually situations will pop up in which I will need to remind myself that I cannot drink.
A more gentle way of putting it is using the term “Alcohol Use Disorder” (AUD). You are not an alcoholic. You have AUD. In the same way—you are not depressive, you have depression. You're not anxious. You have anxiety. These things are not who we are. They are conditions we live with.
It doesn't matter what you call it. As long as you embrace the fact that you have developed this medical condition and that you need treatment, you are on the right path. The recovery matters more than the terminology. The purpose of the label is honest; not shame.
The moment of acceptance
By the time I finally accepted that I was an alcoholic, things were not going well in my life. I had put myself in tough situations from which I barely came out alive. I had seen the ugly side of AUD and it scared me. I was forced to admit my condition because I had finally hit rock bottom.
It may be that you need the same push. I hope you don't. I hope you seek help before things get really bad. But if they already started going sideways, be kind to yourself. We all have our own paths, our own journey. Sometimes we need to fall in order to get back up again.
I realized that if I didn't quit drinking soon, something terrible would happen. I knew it. I had to stop. You would think that admitting was hard. It really wasn't. I felt relieved. I felt like I had been carrying a burden unnecessarily for years and now it was finally lifted.
I was an alcoholic. And it was OK. Now I could really seek treatment and start getting better. My life started at that moment.
The first time I went to an AA meeting, I was very scared. I didn't know what to expect. I never met anyone who had been to AA. I had never met anyone who openly admitted that they were alcoholics. As I entered the small room, an elderly man came to greet me at the door. He opened his arms and gave me a hug, "Welcome to our meeting! This is a happy place. You will love it here!”
Those meetings showed me that having AUD was not the end of the world. It was just another thing in life that I would have to deal with.
What changes after you admit it
I can't promise you that once you admit it you will feel the relief that I did. That was just how I reacted to the realization. It had been a long time coming for me. It gave me proof that the problem wasn't me—there was something else affecting my actions and my thoughts. It was NOT my fault.
You may have a different reaction. You may feel afraid, overwhelmed, angry, devastated. Maybe even happy. Just understand one thing—you can't solve a problem that you don't know you have. Once you know what's wrong, you can finally do something about it. Before that, you're powerless… and clueless as well.
Many people think admitting it changes everything overnight. It doesn't. As I mentioned earlier, according to AA, admitting is just the first step. But it means everything. It sets the stage for what comes next.
Admitting that you have a drinking problem won't make you magically stop drinking. But your perspective changes. You stop negotiating with yourself. You stop creating excuses. Recovery becomes possible.
The first thing I did when I realized I was an alcoholic was to call my doctor and ask for an appointment immediately. I had to act before fear paralyzed me.
Telling other people
Being honest with yourself doesn't mean you have to tell everyone in your life about your newfound realization. This is your own personal problem and only you are able to actively deal with it. However, you may need a safety net, a support system to help you get through the difficult times that lie ahead.
Look around you and think about who you believe you can count on. Can you count on your parents? Your siblings? Your best friend? Your partner? Employer? Who in your life needs to know? Who will help you take the first step? Do you need financial help? Do you need someone to drive you to meetings or stay with you at home the first few days of withdrawal?
Do not be afraid to ask for help. The people in your life who love you will be there to help you. If there's no one close to you you can count on, then consider reaching out to a licensed psychiatrist, a licensed therapist or support groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous and SMART. Support groups are usually free, so even if you don't have the financial means to get all the help you need, you can still count on them.
Honesty doesn't mean telling everyone, but be careful to not isolate yourself and suffer alone unnecessarily.
Why loved ones often know before you do
Even if you don't tell anyone about what's going on with you, it's possible that people near you have already caught on that something is wrong. We may miss the first signs that we may have a drinking problem, but sometimes others can notice.
People close to you may realize that you've been avoiding your regular responsibilities and activities. They may notice you sneaking out to drink. They may notice the smell of alcohol on your breath.
If they had the courage to confront you about it, it's likely that you felt shame for being called out. You thought you had your drinking under control only to realize that people have started to notice.
Be careful to not let the shame keep you from thinking clearly. Others may not know how to deal well with the fact that you are an alcoholic, but that doesn't mean that you can use that as an excuse to not seek help. There is always the possibility that the people around you are understanding and accepting, offering you comfort and support.
What if you're wrong?
What if you're not really an alcoholic? What if you're overreacting?
Let me tell you a story… I relapsed back in 2022 and I had just started with a new therapist. I told her my entire 15-year history with alcohol. My drinking patterns, my mistakes, my shortcomings, my fears, everything. I also told her that I wasn't drinking very much now and that I felt OK, but I wasn't sure if I could drink again. She told me that I seemed to have developed a healthy relationship with alcohol and seemed fine.
I did not like what I heard, so I found another therapist and went through the same process with him. After hearing my entire story, he asked, “Do you really need someone else to tell you that you can't drink?” No, I didn't. I quit drinking again that same day and have been with that same therapist ever since.
As addicts, we are prone to fooling ourselves and others that we can consume our drug of choice. That we'll be fine. That everything is OK. This is why you need people in your corner that you can trust, who will tell you the truth. Who will see through your bullshit and pull you out of your funk.
The thing is, if you're seriously questioning your relationship with alcohol, it's worth paying attention. You don't have to hit rock bottom in order for it to be a real problem. In fact, the sooner you address your concerns, the smoother your recovery will be.
Seeking help early is a strength. Not an overreaction.
The grief of letting alcohol go
We don't want to accept that we are alcoholics because we don't want to stop drinking. We can't imagine our lives without alcohol. It's not just the intoxicating effects. There's a whole routine and lifestyle associated with alcohol that becomes endangered when you admit you have a problem. You are in danger of having to let go of everything you know.
You have been using alcohol as a coping mechanism to deal with your problems. It has been a source of comfort for you in difficult times. You have relied on alcohol for your best moments and your worst moments. It has become part of your identity, part of who you are.
Admitting you are an alcoholic means that your entire identity of self must be questioned. When you start on the road to recovery, you will have to start from scratch and rebuild your life, your routine, your social circle. You will become a new person.
This is scary, but remember that this new person will come with a new understanding of what it means to be healthy and to have a satisfying life. They will learn to deal with problems the right way—by facing them head on, sober, with a clear mind. You will learn to regulate your emotions on your own. You will have to learn to allow yourself to feel grief, anger, sadness and even happiness.
It's like learning how to be a human all over again. It will be hard, but I promise you it will be worth it.
Final thoughts
If you have been thinking about this for a while, it's possible that you have been suffering from the doubt. Admitting your drinking problem means that you no longer have to pretend. You no longer have to do exhausting mental gymnastics to convince yourself that everything is OK when it's really not.
You can finally start to live honestly. And more importantly, you can start your journey toward recovery. That is the first step of the rest of your life.
